Connect - Men's Book Breakfast #1
Notes from our first discussion at the Men's Book Breakfast on April 24th, 2022.
Gentlemen,
On Sunday, we started reading Connect by David Bradford. It's slowly turning out to be an excellent guide in building exceptional relationships.
Here are some thought points on what we discussed.
Why do you need to read this book?
When people do business with people, it's not just about ideas, machines, strategies, or even money. Your relationships are the ultimate currency—the ultimate determinant of whether you will succeed, even in your future ventures. Overall, building exceptional relationships makes you a better human being and a better leader.
What is an exceptional relationship?
One where you have a sense of safety and honesty with another person, and the growth opportunities are unlimited. When your interactions with another person are at their most authentic, there is a paradigm shift. It's more than a collection of skills and competencies; it's fundamentally about a different way of being. And therein lies something that feels magical.
Is it possible to develop exceptional relationships with anyone?
It is possible to develop exceptional relationships with someone we seem to have little in common outwardly.
It doesn't have to happen with everyone - You may have colleagues who offer great professional collaboration but are not your closest friends. These relationships provide partnership, social interaction, intellectual stimulation, professional validation, and fun. They're less intense, and that's perfectly fine. What's more, you need them.
Not every dessert can be chocolate soufflé, and not every interaction has to be with someone who knows you deeply.
How do you build exceptional relationships?
You move beyond surface conversations. Not necessarily use up more time, but commit to learning about ourselves and the other truly.
The 15% Rule.
We constantly assess what's appropriate to share in any given interaction—often choosing safety when it could be too risky to overshare. So we're usually discrete in the early stages of a relationship.
But how do we gradually build the relationship? How do we avoid stagnation?
Consider the diagram above. At the beginning of any relationship, we start in the zone of comfort. Where you feel entirely safe in what you say or do. You say hi to your colleagues at work. You maybe share chequered opinions of the latest trends. But it's pretty safe. You don't think much of it.
The outermost ring is the zone of danger. It's full of things you wouldn't consider saying or doing, given the likelihood of a negative outcome.
The ring between comfort and danger is the zone of learning. Where you are unsure how another will respond, this is typically the zone where people learn about each other.
Most people are concerned about venturing into the Learning zone at the risk of unintentionally ending up in the Danger zone. But you could continuously test the waters by venturing out 15% further and 15% more if you're well received.
The role of emotions
A great musical score requires both high treble and lower bass notes. In the same way, to communicate well, we must express both thoughts and feelings.
Feelings/emotions give meaning to facts/thoughts.
Feelings also can indicate the intensity of an experience. In reacting to another’s behavior, you could be slightly bothered, annoyed, upset, angry, or furious. These different degrees are crucial in human interaction; they illustrate a lot about who you are. Emotions provide color, drawing others to us in a way that being utterly unemotional and rational does not.
David Bradford, Ph.D.; Carole Robin, Ph.D.. Connect
Your role is to discern what feelings the other person is trying to communicate. There are plenty of emotions in any given context - anger, sadness, joy, envy, and fear. Consider them as choices or paths for you to stretch yourself and be closer to the other person.
The vulnerability question.
Vulnerability is when you are uncertain about the impact of your disclosure. But most times, people in your life will see you as stronger and more credible when you take that risk. It's the key to authenticity.
Having agency.
Too often, people put their toe in the water with a small disclosure and then stop in the absence of a response. You might need to take a slightly more noticeable risk before the other person responds.
When you don't know the outcome, taking the risk is central to building deep personal relationships. On this journey, you have to trust the process, believing that in the long run, by disclosing first, you are more likely to build trust, gain acceptance, and achieve the relationship you most want. This is what "having agency" is all about.